That Number

Muntik na akong patayin ng isang maling akala.

And because of this, I was able to feel that feeling when someone gets that grade of 5. Ang hirap pala. Pagsama-samahin na natin ang lungkot, galit, disappointment, depression at sakit ng ulo (dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip ko tungkol dito.

It was Friday the 13th (Although I do not believe in its myth, because of that some terrible thing that happened, it will be a memorable but not lovable day for me.). And there. I saw my classcard with something written on red ink. It said that I failed on a 5-unit major killer subject. I went to my prof to consult about it; but for some unidentified reasons, she was not in the proper mood to talk about my grades. Nothing worked. Kahit pagmamakaawa. I felt hopeless and was crying.

It really hurts to have that number in your history of college life (which will be seen in the transcript of records). Call it a mere number, but that number is something. My scholarship is at stake. What hurts more is when you know that you have done your best but you were not able to make it.

I believed that I will be able to pass that subject. I believed that this is impossible to happen in me, although I failed 2 out of 8 exams and barely passed the others. But that piece of paper said that I must not believe.

For three days I was in agony. I cried during the rest of my weekend. I felt hopeless; but somewhere I need to hold on to that thread of hope. I hoped that she was wrong and I am right.

Then Monday came. For the second time, I went to her again, to at least see how did I get that number. I just said to myself that whatever happens, I will accept it upon seeing each component that made up my grade. She was wrong. I am right. Something was wrong in the computation of my grades (And among all her students, I was the lucky one who got a wrong computation.). When it was corrected, I got a passing grade. Well, a bit more than the passing. :)

The rest will be history. Haha. Just imagine that awesome feeling when you got saved just before you were about to die. You will simply cry again (due to extreme happiness and gratitude). My faith was tested by that number.

Images in Black

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

Then you'll realize

There are lots of things to be seen in almost opaquely dark.

The times that were once yours

The days when what surrounds you was everything

When words were gentle and not deafening like roars

When what is impossible was nothing

Something that your soul yearns to see

Everything that the heart has been telling about

Something that the ear had heard from a shout

Everything that the child inside you wants to be

The times that you wished not to be seen by you

The days when you wished you were sleeping or dead

When colors around you were gray and blue

When the body and the soul were deeply wounded

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

See that the "was", "will be" and "must be" in your mind becoming alive

See that the "must not be" are creeping in the dark

Although the eyes are closed,

The heart still beats.

The face sometimes smiles;

There are times that it cries.

The tears may fall.

They happen.

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

Hear the silence of the night that is dark.

Wait until the thought temporarily dies.

Wait until you fall asleep.