12122011

435. Make a list of twenty-five things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet and refer to it often.
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (Life's Little instruction Book)
*I'm gonna make one soon. ;)

just to share you a poem... :)

Tonight I Can Write...
Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is shattered

and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes she loved me too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, for certain, but now I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.

Her voice. Her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long. [emphasis added]

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer

and these the last lines that I write for her.

***

I first encountered this poem as a reading in our HumI class. What was posted above is a translated version of a poem written originally in Spanish. This poem sounds a bit emo-ish to others; but for me, this is one of the most wonderful sad poems I have ever read. It is beautifully written, although it expresses a sad emotion of heartbreak. And those italicized words make up my favorite line. A perfect metaphor, indeed. I cannot understand Spanish, and just imagine how much more beautiful the original piece of this poem is (You can Google the Spanish version of the poem, btw. ;D).

11272011

Let go of something you still hold on to.

Last Friday, our VG had talked about money and finances; then all of a sudden our discussion ended up in this thought above. That "something" someone thought to be strong enough to but not allowing him to move farther. That "something" that requires faith in order to have guts to let go of it... of that "something."

I am one of those people who tolerates rather than someone who confronts and overcomes things. RESILIENT. For a long time I was that one who strives to survive with that big giant living in me. That giant that I mistakenly hold on to.

If there is something that I have to let go of, it will be my fear. Upon entering the university, there is that fear that came in to my life. Life as an undergrad student showed me a lot of things, including the reality about this cruel world. And a single fear will can attract more fears. There is this fear of what will be my future, then fear of getting a grade of 5, fear of rejection, and fear of being inferior. Indeed, I am a perfectly imperfect being, and even if I post a lot of good things about this blog, you can still find holes in me.

Letting go of fear requires faith. Faith may sound "silly" to others, but isn't it sillier to hold on to my fear? You might probably think, "Pinapaasa mo lang ang sarili mo." There is this saying that faith can move mountains; but sometimes we need faith not to move mountains, but to climb over mountains. It requires action. There will not always have an easy way; but at least, with faith, there is a hard way that we can find and walk on to. In my case, I have to do that hard way of letting go of my fear. I know I can.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

This verse never fails to comfort me. As I walk to a journey called life, I saw from afar a bend in the road. What is beyond that bend? I don't know, actually. All I know for sure is that it is better that what I have ever imagined... or I must say, the best plan that God made for me. :)

11212011 (microblog)

Speaking makes me set that old self onstage. Where  is my true self?

Is it in a box called silence?

Or in sword-like voices when I speak too much?

***

retrieved from a notebook in MS Office OneNote.

11282011 (microblog)

The bracelet. As I was wearing it this morning, I suddenly felt sad. My first sembreak without them.

I miss FC. If there is something that I treasure in my high school memories, it will be my moments with them. My best circle of friends. We used to meet every time we have some free weeks of vacation during college breaks. This is my second time that I will not be with them; but this time, I do not know why I am feeling much sadder. E is longing to see them.

I wanna go home na... T.T

A Poem Written on a Tissue Paper

Run as if the day won't end.

Although the world can't comprehend,

Let your dreams spread out like light

Like infinity that is far beyond one's sight.

As you travel across the depths and heights,

Never stop moving as long as the track is right.

Move a mountain or rustle the leaves of a tree.

In either way, a difference is what they will see.

10222011

6:52pm

10212011

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
   declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

-Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

*Honestly, I cannot understand why some things are happening to me; but right now, God is challenging me to trust Him and to give my best shot for it. Maybe I am seeing a different picture, but He has a different perspective that is far better than what I am thinking. I will stand firm, although the world wants me to shatter.

(retrieved from my Tumblr account.)

Random thoughts

1. It is better to have an exam a day than two exams in a day. I have that tendency to sacrifice one for the sake of the other. But yesterday, it seemed that I lost both of them. No more shotgun exams, E.
2. Paradigm shift, paradigm shift, paradigm shift... until when? Where is the change?
3. ALWAYS STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE.
4. I set standards that I myself cannot even reach. :\ ---> a character of a Melancholy temperament.
5. I want this semester to end soon. I need to retrieve my lost hours (or should I say "days") of sleeping; and I have to read my books that I bought last September at MIBF.
6. No more finals please.

Something that makes me smile

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy...

Define love. Vague, isn't it?
I have been suffering from LSS for weeks (or a month perhaps) because of this song. For a person who prefers lyrics than music when singing songs, she will do her best to sing a song that she likes whatever the height or depth the tones have, as long as she sings it with all her heart.

You might probably wonder why am I trying post something here about love. It is not because I feel bitter or brokenhearted or something like I want to slash my wrist. It is not because I am in [or wanted to have] a relationship, engaged, or "it's complicated."
I am in love... and God has changed my perspective about love.
(I can hear some voice from the back of your mind saying "This person is crazy." Well, I really am.)


I love Him because He loved me first unconditionally, no matter how sinful and imperfect I am. He completes me. He loves me stubbornly that He gave His precious Son just to save me. I feel so secured as He surrounds me like a hurricane. He never wanted to let go of me...or much better to say, He never lets me go away from him. And if I'll try to state every reason here I won't be able to end this blog.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me...


I am unworthy of this love. But then why love a very small being like me? Because He loves me, period. No requirements. God's love is not a feeling; it does not cause pain, and never gives up. It is so boundless that we cannot outlove Him and reaches out everyone's life, even yours. Love never fails, and it is so amazing that this love overcame the death and saved me as well as anyone who believes in Him. A great love, indeed.

So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...

***

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. 

-Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

And then what is love? Just look at the cross, and you'll definitely know ...how He loves us.

A Bend in the Road

Life is full of surprises.
Wake me up when September ends. Nakasulat yan sa planner ko. Kahit halos walang tulog ang September ko. Wish ko na sana paggising ko tapos na ang September dahil sa napakaraming exaaammmsss.. EXAAAMMMSS. Kailangan pa bang ulitin? Paulit-ulit para ma-emphasize ang quantity. :))

But even if I hate this month, there are still great things happening. Now I have reasons to celebrate September.
Someone sponsored half of my review fee for NMAT (btw, NMAT means National Medical Admission Test). This is an answered prayer... and the amazing thing is, ang bilis ng response ni God kahit hindi pa tapos ang fasting ko kahapon. :) My heart was already prepared for a self-review (dahil napakamahal ng fee), when God said to me, "'Wag kang makuntento dyan!" There are open doors... opportunity. Thaanks!

...hindi lang ako makakapag-sembreak.
Almost there. NMAT will be on December 11. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko pa alam kung saang med school ako mapapadpad (at wala akong pangtuition). I only have my faith that someday, I'll put an "MD" after my name.

08242011

E is supposed to be sleeping right now. Thanks to Eco lab exam and my distorted Circadian rhythm. :)

I love my 3rd year as Bio undergrad: my time of pushing myself out of the box.

First is my transition from follower to leader. I am recently trained as a VG leader and became a project head in an org where I am a newbie. Honestly, I hate responsibilities; but then, I cannot escape any of them. My submissive character makes me a good follower (and I always prefer being like that), but a good leader? I know I am not an ideal leader; but who knows? I am still in the process of development (?!?). (A good leader is a good follower... I do not know if that applies to me also. :p) I am a reluctant leader. Hahaha.

Next is my Advance Swimming course. Well, I took that just because it is required in our curriculum (It gives me horrible tan lines.) I am a super slow learner when it comes to sports; but at least, I am learning. While my Basic Swimming course during my freshie year made me aquaphobic, this class every Wednesday gave me less fear in Olympic-size swimming pools (worse in an open ocean? I haven't tried yet.). And now I'm loving breaststroke. :))))

I still need some sleep. That's all. :D

Untitled

They're like songs resonating in my ear,

Songs that lack notes but with music as I hear;

But then, they are simply plain words spoken,

A double-edged sword that strikes on a heart that's broken.

At first I had a regret of giving in

Since it was a life that's tired of losing.

Shameful, without pride, I stood to survive,

Went on like a puppet, waiting for each day to arrive.

Like the usual days, my knees touched the mud on ground.

There's nothing new on the low with my feet on bound.

I didn't care breaking what is already crashed.

Who minds to my dreams burning into ash?

As I look face-to-face with the earth where I fell,

A voice bravely spoken woke me up from hell.

"Will you freeze yourself while time keeps on running?

To listen to the struggling mind that negates faith,

Or to hear the voice of the heart and its dying passion?

Whatever it is, stand. I care."

Suddenly, my eyes opened.

No chains nor dirt as I lie supine on my bed.

From my eyes a drop of tear fell,

It's not a nightmare, though it seems I was dragged from hell.

I tried to sleep to go back to that "dream"

But I failed, for there was neither whisper nor scream.

My soul wants to hear those words again,

And wholeheartedly, to say thanks to him.

11212010

*This was written before To Close a Book. My first attempt after two years.
This is a poem about learning and life. I am so thankful that I was able to meet that person. :)

Nostalgia

Can I modify my past for a while?

Of course no human being can struggle against the waves of time; and all I can do with that memory is to laugh at it.

...at least there is something to laugh at.

I recovered a draft of my old poem at the back of an old high school notebook. I already forgot the title of this. As I was reading the lines, I feel like I want to say "Craaappp...". In reality, I was not able to say anything; only made me smile. Am I really writing this way years back? The good thing is that the other poems are now gone.

To share my young thoughts (or more appropriate to say as my something-to-laugh-at memory), here it is:

For the spark that I saw in the midst of darkness;

For the wave that was moved by the wind of sweetness;

For the star that I wished to achieve from the sky;

For the rain that fell gently from the mildest high;

For the chance that was once with me but lost in the end;

For the bear that gave comfort but went out from my hand.

Shall I finish each statement with a single dot

Or add up another two to say, "Thanks a lot?"

...and I am sorry giving a tangle in your thread

'Cause I can't simply say what's running in my head.

Now that I have lost the small piece that I have hoped for

Will it be back to me in the time of my honor?

I hope that this will be the last time that I'll close my eyes,

For I don't want to be fooled again by thise sweetest lies.

*So yun na. (Sounds so emo-ish.)There is a time written below the poem: 7:30pm. I can't remember the date. This poem had a different fate among the others that were burned. I decided to keep it... for fun. :)

****

Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure. -Jane Austen

Pasted from <http://twitter.com/#!/elaineloreen>

08012011 (microblog)

microblog... pangtwitter? mas feel ko magpost ng short blogs dito. at least walang limit ng characters. (at ang vague ng definition ko ng micro. :D)

This is my year of growing up and judgments. And going to the next level of challenges and promotions means you need to feel the pain of suffering and fear as you get out of your box. It is hard indeed; but after this, I think I'll have something to be proud of.

07282011 (microblog)

I recovered a draft of an old poem in an old high school notebook last summer. :)

I kept it to have something to laugh at when I grow old.

And lately I realized one thing from it: when you are writing at the height of your emotions, expect the weirdest outcomes.

07122011

procrastinate.

^one of the latest words that I learned.

^the word that fits me now.

I feel guilty because I am not doing anything productive for weeks since the start my junior year. Next week will be the start of a hell week. Finally, I'll be able to experience how it feels to become a real junior.

Next, the product of procrastination comes in: cramming.

Two more years to do my very best... I hope that I'll have my paradigm shift this time.

oo, paradigm shift. hahaha.

I'll try to fill this blog with posts again. :)

speech

These words were written the upper portion of my 3" x 5" index card. For a person who hates to speak in public, that was a memorable 3 minutes and 58 seconds of her life.

It all happened last Friday. My first ever impromptu speech. I was able to speak in front of my classmates as I stood on a platform. If this was not a requirement in CommIII, I would not dare to have a speech.

After my instructor had called my name to be the next speaker, I felt how my heart beats fast. It's time. Pick a topic.

Political dynasties in the Philippines. With my index card and pencil on hand, I began writing anything related to that. Writing in an impulse. I was not able to listen to the person ahead of me. Write, write, write... It only took her 3 minutes to speak in front; but I was still not finished writing keywords about the things that I should impart on my speech. I faced the public partially unprepared.

It took a minute of my speech before my nervousness calmed down. My hands were shaking and I spoke with a lot of verbal fillers during that minute. (My most common verbal filler is "uhmm...") The good thing is, I was able to recover my composure after the first dreadful minute. Then, all thoughts written on my notes are used up, so I began speaking anything that comes out of my mind. (That is better than discussing what I have written. My real self speaks out without any pretension.) I was not looking at my index card at all. I was able to introduce and conclude the speech in an acceptable way.

Once you speak in front, you'll forget some the things you learned, as well as the ideas that you should have imparted to the audience. You will forget some things or even everything when you are nervous. After my speech, I realized that I skipped some thoughts that I prepared and wrote on my index card. At least my mind did not go blank.

04262011

basically, actually, such, by the way, just

-verbal fillers. Naalala ko lang ang sinabi ng CommIII teacher namin. Do not use the word basically if you will not explain your thoughts in a simple manner. Can I deliver my first ever impromptu speech on Monday or Tuesday? I hope so.

Two exams tomorrow (uhmm... I mean today). Yehey. I must love plants, kahit mahirap. It is really hard to study for an exam especially during the times when your brain cannot absorb data anymore... just like now.

wake up, you're dreaming...

Have you experienced knowing that you are dreaming while still in a dream?

It happened to me several times, and the last one happened last Tuesday morning. I want to end up my dreams, particularly the bad ones.

I feel that I am not moving the way I used to be. Then somewhere in the middle, I will realize that I am not in my world. I try to move, but I can control myself hardly. There were times that I can, then I will try to activate my senses by to bite myself or pinch myself; but none of them works, since I am still inside my dream. I am not feeling any pain. The good thing about that is that it gives me a stronger proof that I am dreaming. The only thing that wakes me up is by commanding myself in my mind to wake up. "Wake up, wake up, wake up..."

Not all attempts to wake myself up are successful. Sometimes I am able open my eyes, but later I will realize that I just shifted to another world -- in another dream. I will struggle to do the same things over and over again, until I am really awake and conscious in the real world.

My last dream ended at around 1 or 2am. The good thing is that I am not speaking anything (in the real world) while I am dreaming... Well, no one reported to me the morning after that I was speaking while deep asleep at that time of my dream. :)

03312011

When jigsaw pieces start to form a picture, somewhere in the middle, bigla ka na lang madi-disappoint, while wishing na sana hindi ka na lang umasa na maganda pala ang larawang binubuo mo. At the very beginning, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako dapat umasa, pero umasa pa rin ako.

Never accept the truth of any statement unless there is an adequate evidence for it. These are the very important words that I learned in Philo I, the very important thing to remind myself that I need to think critically.

In my case, there is no sufficient evidence present on that issue; but at least I really need to step back for a bit. It is normal for some people to have flaws in their personality; and we, as human beings like them, have the choice of whether accepting or rejecting them because of those flaws. I am very sorry that I became judgmental with this; I do not have the right to judge in the very first place.

***

Goodbye second sem. I wanna go home na... :)

P. S.

Sorry for stating my words in an indirect manner. Do not take this seriously if you cannot understand even a part of this. (What an evil statement.) You can skip if you want; but right now, you are reading near the end of this blog post. The statements are for reflection purposes only.

When vandalism is an art...

I never thought that I survived the two exams today. Imagine yourself having a Biochemistry and Physics exam in one day. Hahaha... I hope that the outcomes will be fine... kasi malaki ang dapat kong habulin. Wednesday will be another big day. Three more exams... and this semester is over.

***

While celebrating this "short break" of mine before the final wave on Wednesday, I was reminded of an artist named Banksy.

The first time I heard of him was in my Humanities class last semester. Stencil art graffiti with some touch of satire. He is my favorite artist as of now. His works deal with political and social issues. You'll see most of his works in London. He is a famous artist; but no one knows his identity. Mysterious artist, indeed. The picture above is one of his artwoks. Mona Lisa is holding a rocket launcher. :)) Nice one, Banksy. :)

03232011

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”

Isaiah 55:8-13 (NIV)

I read this part in the Bible last Sunday. I simply love every part of it.

...and God can speak figuratively.

As I open this book each day, I learn and learn new things. At first I was one of some people who find it boring. Then it slowly made me feel inspired each day. The Bible is not just a book of laws and commandments; it is also full of promises. Sometimes it rebukes me; but the best thing is it helps me grow as a person.

This week is my hell week (and may probably extend up to weeks), and I guess this passage fits with my situation right now. :) He is in control of everything.

Meet Alice. My guitar. :)

I bought her last Sunday. I'm trying to link myself to music again. Until now I can't spend enough time with her (hell week, no!). I have to wait until the second semester ends...

Rule 1: Do not strum the first two base strings when playing D.

E is learning how to play guitar, and I lately realized that I am doing the wrong way before. Thanks to Kuya, he volunteered to teach me. :D

Cypsela

Feel a child's dream

As I hold you close.

Keep the words I want to scream;

But as soon as you grow up, feel free to expose.

I close my eyes

For that's the only way I can say

My wish for a simple prize

And my vow with you beginning this day.

Fly, my little wonder!

The world wants you to depart from me.

Wind will guide you as you wander

Until you land the earth that will love you wholeheartedly.

*Cypsela - (definition from Wiki) an achene-like fruit derived from the individual florets in a capitulum. (i. e. dandelion)

- with hair-like structures as an adaption for "flying" or seed dispersal

I haven't seen a dandelion ever; but when I was a child, I used to say some wishes on cypselas (I do not know the name of the weed, but it is not a dandelion.), then I'll blow them away. Cypsela is the scientific term for that fruit. It may be hard for you to accept that those little flying stuffs are fruits; but that's the truth. THE FRUITY TRUTH. :))