The way we used to be

We used to be close
With friendship being built through time.
Against all trials.
But then there came a time
When it went too far
And it caused pain
As the deepest parts of me
Became uncovered,
Revealed,
Until I could not stand the spotlight anymore.

Slowly the girl moved away
From the spotlight
To the backstage
To the exit door
And ran away.
Crying.
Broken.

It took days and weeks
Until the emotion faded somehow.
I went back,
Tried to fix it up.
To restore everything
To the way we used to be.

Probably it is I who built the wall
Unconsciously.
A defense mechanism
Of someone who is afraid of being uncovered,
Revealed.

Probably they were the ones who built it.
I just don't fit in
Since I'm not the one
They are expecting me to be.

Maybe it's time
To accept the change.
If it's impossible to embrace,
Maybe,
At least,
I have to accept it.
Just like that.
Because everything has changed
From the way we used to be.

My Life as an Environmental Science Student

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

Took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Who would have thought that I will become a graduate student right now? I was a graduate of BS Biology last year in UP Manila. I dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since I was a kid. Upon knowing this background, you would think that I would be pursuing medicine someday. However, that was not the case for me. I took another path, and decided to take MS Environmental Science in UPLB.

Why pursue a Master's degree? It is because until this point in time I am not seeing myself as a medical doctor. I just know in myself that when I force myself to go to a medical school, I will not be happy. I want to do something that I am passionate about. I would like to become a teacher in the future, and I find my MS degree as a firm stepping stone in pursuing that passion.

After I graduated last 2013, I find myself a bit lost in track. I am a Biology major,  but I do not have any field of specialization. I find it hard to fit myself in any workplace. Whenever there is a job hiring available, they usually require a working experience and an area of specialization. Unfortunately, I do not have any of those. So, I decided to study again as a graduate student.

This track I chose was never easy indeed. I came in the grad school together with my anxieties, and honestly, I had a hard time adjusting myself during my first few days (or even weeks, I guess). Being the youngest, a fresh graduate of a Bachelor's degree and without any work experience, pursuing graduate studies in UPLB is really a tough challenge for me.

Why Environmental Science? I chose this field because I learned to appreciate it during my undergraduate thesis. My thesis was more likely related to environmental science. My thinking before was just seeing a little perspective then, about molluscs, heavy metals, bioaccumulation and other related stuff. Little did I know that environmental science is something greater and broader.

I saw a wider perspective of environmental science when I became an MS (short for Master of Science) student. I realized that an environmental problem is not that simple. A lot of angles has to be inspected, or in other terms, this problem passes through a lot of disciplines that it has to be approached holistically. I also realized that I am still ignorant in a lot of things. The term "interdisciplinary" may somehow be called a cliché in environmental science, but that term really taught me to become open in other disciplines, whether in natural or physical or social sciences, and to be willing to learn new things from others.

I also learned how to deal with other people. As an environmental scientist, being a team player is really a must. One must know the tradition of pakikisama by heart. A team may be diverse as its members come from different disciplines, but it has to work as one, just like a super-organism (Sounds familiar, right?).

And to tell you the truth, I am enjoying my life as a graduate student because of the people around me. I have my awesome professors, batchmates and classmates with me (Naks. :p) . I never experienced being alone in my journey (so far), contrary to what I was expecting before. I thought that I'll be having very few buddies because only few people pursue grad school. But that is not the case for me. They're so many for me (Probably because I used to have a relatively small circle of friends). I still have a social life with them. I enjoy their company as I learn lots of lessons in life, career, and even love (Hahaha!) from them. Being the youngest in the batch, I also enjoy being called as bunso. :)

Grad school is bittersweet. It costs more money, sleep, blood, sweat and tears; but it can bring to anyone lessons and experiences that are invaluable indeed. It gave me a chance to mature in a different way. I'll just try my best to cherish every bittersweet moments I'm having right now and soon leave this season happily and without any regrets.

07222013

To the reader,

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. My undergrad life ended a few months back, and it feels like my life has paused for a while. Actually, it's moving. I just feel that it moves slowly after graduation. The post-graduation crisis, I guess. Nothing's significantly happening in me; however, in the life of other people around me, there are. And to tell you the truth, I feel a bit jealous on them.

As a person who is always in want of accomplishing something, it is truly hard for me to stay in this state. My hands are craving for work to achieve something. I am learning the art of patience so slowly (at least I am learning...little by little). I start to become bored of the routines at home. I know, I HAVE TO wait.

I am waiting productively somehow. I am getting the recommended eight hours of sleep, three liters of water, and 30-minute walks daily. I have less caffeine intake and a stress-free life. So different from what was happening last February, during the toxic days of my senior year. I am trying to pursue a healthy lifestyle--which I would have never done if I were busy at work or at school.

Still in hopes that my life will move significantly in its proper time,

Elo

P.S. I really need to gain weight. I'm ten kilos behind.

06062013

I remember what my churchmate had told me before. "You will have your major decisions in life when you reach the age of 20." True enough, I had one big decision that I never thought would change the flow of the next stories of my life.

It was a year ago that I decided to let go of pursuing medicine after graduation. I was 19 at that time. Since then, I wanted to pursue a master's degree after I finished Biology. I just know in my heart that I want to teach someday. I don't know how, but I have the heart. But I know it will never be enough. I know that after I finished my undergrad course, I am not yet ready and equipped to teach excellently. That is one of the reasons that drive me to pursue a postgraduate course.

Since I had somewhat a view of a direction where my life will lead to, I made out plans already. I am a person who wants to plan ahead. However, I failed to see the setbacks as I walk along. I found out that I cannot apply in the campus where I originally wanted to apply. My grades cannot make it; and if ever I luckily make it in, it will be very hard for me to survive.

The good thing about a planner like me is that I have a Plan B. Yes, I have a Plan B, and even a Plan C, my worst case scenario when everything else fails. It was really hard for me to let go of my Plan A, because I thought that it was the best. Lately, I realized that the mere fact that Plan A has its flaws makes it ineligible to be considered as the best plan.

I half-heatedly chose Plan B.  It was the same program that I wanted, but a different campus. The rest is history, and will be history. I was just surprised of the doors that opened for me. It might be my second best plan before; but right now, I can truly say that I made the right choice. I know in my heart that something greater is ahead of me. I'm not yet there; but I'm getting there. A few steps closer.

This is just one of the major decisions that I made. There are a lot to go. I have no regrets, because I learned some things. I learned to let go. And right now, I am learning the art of waiting.

04242013

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.    -Deuteronomy 31:8

It was like God is saying to me na "Anak, before ka pa gumawa ng major decisions in life, pinaghandaan ko na yan. May plans na ako ahead of your way. You only need to trust me. Huwag kang matakot. There will be times when you have to take risks in following my will. Pero in the end, I will assure you na wala kang pagsisisihan, dahil I'm giving my best for you. I have been faithful to you for more than 20 years, and I will still remain faithful to you in the next years of your life."

God, bakit ang faithful mo? :)

03292013

I never thought that April will get this critical. I never thought that it will be this difficult. Or maybe it is I who is making everything difficult. The worrier inside me wants to get out again and say "The road ahead is not that easy."

I have my dreams, my passion and my desire of achieving great things. I am done with proving myself to be somebody; I left that mindset in my high school days. Right now, I am aiming to fulfill that purpose, to do what my heart really yearns to do. In this case, I know I have to follow my heart. Follow my heart, and yet guided by wisdom.

I see a divergence ahead. Before approaching that divergence, I have already decided to take the other road -- The less traveled road. But there is this fear growing inside. I have all the opportunities, with some threats interspersed along the way. All I need is to have some guts to step ahead and overcome my fear.

God, give me the courage and make me feel secure of my future.

Last Letter

March 08, 2013
10:13PM

I know that this time, you will be able to read this.

I saw the news this late morning; and indeed, I was one of those people who really felt sad about it. That normal human instinct of feeling sad, especially to people who had known you like me. I cannot explain the emotions inside me.  At this time, I am happy because I am going to the province after some months of staying in Manila. I am also happy that I will be attending my cousin's wedding tomorrow.  On the other hand, there is also this pang of sadness because of what happened to you.

The series of events made me realize that with every celebration happening, there is also mourning at some point in the globe. That with every life introduced in the world, there is also a life taken away.

I should be happy for you. At last, the pains are no more to be felt by you. You're safe in God's love and presence. However, I feel that sadness towards the people you left behind. You have been so precious to them that they had fought for you. Indeed, it's hard for them to lose you.

You are an excellent fighter who never gave up. Your life has helped me define what a real fighter is. Because of you, I realized that a real fighter is not someone who remains alive after a difficult battle; he is someone who fearlessly faces each trials ahead of his way. You are that kind of fighter; and you have fought a good fight of faith.

After a long and tiresome battle, the fighter needs to rest in the arms of Abba Father. Have your rest now. This is a season for us to simply trust in His character, in Him who is the Author of our lives, including yours. I guess He ended your story happily… or much more appropriate to say, that it never ended, because we know that you are in Him, right at this time until forever.