07222013

To the reader,

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. My undergrad life ended a few months back, and it feels like my life has paused for a while. Actually, it's moving. I just feel that it moves slowly after graduation. The post-graduation crisis, I guess. Nothing's significantly happening in me; however, in the life of other people around me, there are. And to tell you the truth, I feel a bit jealous on them.

As a person who is always in want of accomplishing something, it is truly hard for me to stay in this state. My hands are craving for work to achieve something. I am learning the art of patience so slowly (at least I am learning...little by little). I start to become bored of the routines at home. I know, I HAVE TO wait.

I am waiting productively somehow. I am getting the recommended eight hours of sleep, three liters of water, and 30-minute walks daily. I have less caffeine intake and a stress-free life. So different from what was happening last February, during the toxic days of my senior year. I am trying to pursue a healthy lifestyle--which I would have never done if I were busy at work or at school.

Still in hopes that my life will move significantly in its proper time,

Elo

P.S. I really need to gain weight. I'm ten kilos behind.

06062013

I remember what my churchmate had told me before. "You will have your major decisions in life when you reach the age of 20." True enough, I had one big decision that I never thought would change the flow of the next stories of my life.

It was a year ago that I decided to let go of pursuing medicine after graduation. I was 19 at that time. Since then, I wanted to pursue a master's degree after I finished Biology. I just know in my heart that I want to teach someday. I don't know how, but I have the heart. But I know it will never be enough. I know that after I finished my undergrad course, I am not yet ready and equipped to teach excellently. That is one of the reasons that drive me to pursue a postgraduate course.

Since I had somewhat a view of a direction where my life will lead to, I made out plans already. I am a person who wants to plan ahead. However, I failed to see the setbacks as I walk along. I found out that I cannot apply in the campus where I originally wanted to apply. My grades cannot make it; and if ever I luckily make it in, it will be very hard for me to survive.

The good thing about a planner like me is that I have a Plan B. Yes, I have a Plan B, and even a Plan C, my worst case scenario when everything else fails. It was really hard for me to let go of my Plan A, because I thought that it was the best. Lately, I realized that the mere fact that Plan A has its flaws makes it ineligible to be considered as the best plan.

I half-heatedly chose Plan B.  It was the same program that I wanted, but a different campus. The rest is history, and will be history. I was just surprised of the doors that opened for me. It might be my second best plan before; but right now, I can truly say that I made the right choice. I know in my heart that something greater is ahead of me. I'm not yet there; but I'm getting there. A few steps closer.

This is just one of the major decisions that I made. There are a lot to go. I have no regrets, because I learned some things. I learned to let go. And right now, I am learning the art of waiting.

04242013

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.    -Deuteronomy 31:8

It was like God is saying to me na "Anak, before ka pa gumawa ng major decisions in life, pinaghandaan ko na yan. May plans na ako ahead of your way. You only need to trust me. Huwag kang matakot. There will be times when you have to take risks in following my will. Pero in the end, I will assure you na wala kang pagsisisihan, dahil I'm giving my best for you. I have been faithful to you for more than 20 years, and I will still remain faithful to you in the next years of your life."

God, bakit ang faithful mo? :)

03292013

I never thought that April will get this critical. I never thought that it will be this difficult. Or maybe it is I who is making everything difficult. The worrier inside me wants to get out again and say "The road ahead is not that easy."

I have my dreams, my passion and my desire of achieving great things. I am done with proving myself to be somebody; I left that mindset in my high school days. Right now, I am aiming to fulfill that purpose, to do what my heart really yearns to do. In this case, I know I have to follow my heart. Follow my heart, and yet guided by wisdom.

I see a divergence ahead. Before approaching that divergence, I have already decided to take the other road -- The less traveled road. But there is this fear growing inside. I have all the opportunities, with some threats interspersed along the way. All I need is to have some guts to step ahead and overcome my fear.

God, give me the courage and make me feel secure of my future.

Last Letter

March 08, 2013
10:13PM

I know that this time, you will be able to read this.

I saw the news this late morning; and indeed, I was one of those people who really felt sad about it. That normal human instinct of feeling sad, especially to people who had known you like me. I cannot explain the emotions inside me.  At this time, I am happy because I am going to the province after some months of staying in Manila. I am also happy that I will be attending my cousin's wedding tomorrow.  On the other hand, there is also this pang of sadness because of what happened to you.

The series of events made me realize that with every celebration happening, there is also mourning at some point in the globe. That with every life introduced in the world, there is also a life taken away.

I should be happy for you. At last, the pains are no more to be felt by you. You're safe in God's love and presence. However, I feel that sadness towards the people you left behind. You have been so precious to them that they had fought for you. Indeed, it's hard for them to lose you.

You are an excellent fighter who never gave up. Your life has helped me define what a real fighter is. Because of you, I realized that a real fighter is not someone who remains alive after a difficult battle; he is someone who fearlessly faces each trials ahead of his way. You are that kind of fighter; and you have fought a good fight of faith.

After a long and tiresome battle, the fighter needs to rest in the arms of Abba Father. Have your rest now. This is a season for us to simply trust in His character, in Him who is the Author of our lives, including yours. I guess He ended your story happily… or much more appropriate to say, that it never ended, because we know that you are in Him, right at this time until forever.

#thesisit

Right now, I am thankful that I have my time to breathe. A time to relax and to do nothing. A time that is away from the busyness of my life as a senior student. And a time to reflect on the things that have happened.

And yes, a time to have a blog post.

These past few weeks, I was forced to do something beyond my abilities as a human being. One deadline after the other, sleepless nights, hundreds of hours in front of my laptop, liters of coffee, eyebags, losing appetite, losing weight. That is how my undergrad thesis went into my senior life.

Those times
...when you want to cry but you can't, because your time is so limited that you cannot even give a moment for shedding those tears.
...when you become unaware of what is happening around you because you are too focused on doing the manuscript.
...when you become tired physically because you have to spend days and nights with your laptop.
...when you become tired mentally that you have to suffer from severe headaches the moment you wake up because of too much thinking about it.
...when you become tired even spiritually because it feels like it's hard to hear anything from God.
...when you have no choice but to let go of the responsibilities that you would love to do.

Manuscript writing happened like a whirlwind, and I guess it will be better not to describe the details on how did it go. The memories are all mine to be remembered. Hahaha. We had our defense a day before V-Day, and thank God, it all went well.

Putting all the tiresome activities and slight bitterness aside, I want to thank the following who really helped me to push this.

I thank God for all the favor and grace that he provided on us as we push this undergrad thesis. I feel so highly favored that I sometimes I feel like You had spoiled me. Thanks for all the blessings. Truly, Your grace is sufficient to sustain me to face each day. I'm doing my best for You.

To my thesis adviser, if only you know how grateful I am. Thank you for being so supportive to us, although we sometimes had our shortcomings in meeting your deadlines and expectations. You did not give up on us. Thank you for encouraging me to give my best shot, despite the problems happening around.

Ate Erika, my dear thesis partner, I want to thank you for spending time with me, for working with me. Gagraduate na tayo. \m/

To my Mommy, forgive me during those times I cannot talk to you with a sound mind through phone. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

We're almost there, finalizing the manuscript (and soon for binding) and making the poster (yay!!). It is really worth the time, the wait, and effort; and indeed, thesis writing added color to my life as a Bio student.