My Life as an Environmental Science Student

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

Took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Who would have thought that I will become a graduate student right now? I was a graduate of BS Biology last year in UP Manila. I dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since I was a kid. Upon knowing this background, you would think that I would be pursuing medicine someday. However, that was not the case for me. I took another path, and decided to take MS Environmental Science in UPLB.

Why pursue a Master's degree? It is because until this point in time I am not seeing myself as a medical doctor. I just know in myself that when I force myself to go to a medical school, I will not be happy. I want to do something that I am passionate about. I would like to become a teacher in the future, and I find my MS degree as a firm stepping stone in pursuing that passion.

After I graduated last 2013, I find myself a bit lost in track. I am a Biology major,  but I do not have any field of specialization. I find it hard to fit myself in any workplace. Whenever there is a job hiring available, they usually require a working experience and an area of specialization. Unfortunately, I do not have any of those. So, I decided to study again as a graduate student.

This track I chose was never easy indeed. I came in the grad school together with my anxieties, and honestly, I had a hard time adjusting myself during my first few days (or even weeks, I guess). Being the youngest, a fresh graduate of a Bachelor's degree and without any work experience, pursuing graduate studies in UPLB is really a tough challenge for me.

Why Environmental Science? I chose this field because I learned to appreciate it during my undergraduate thesis. My thesis was more likely related to environmental science. My thinking before was just seeing a little perspective then, about molluscs, heavy metals, bioaccumulation and other related stuff. Little did I know that environmental science is something greater and broader.

I saw a wider perspective of environmental science when I became an MS (short for Master of Science) student. I realized that an environmental problem is not that simple. A lot of angles has to be inspected, or in other terms, this problem passes through a lot of disciplines that it has to be approached holistically. I also realized that I am still ignorant in a lot of things. The term "interdisciplinary" may somehow be called a cliché in environmental science, but that term really taught me to become open in other disciplines, whether in natural or physical or social sciences, and to be willing to learn new things from others.

I also learned how to deal with other people. As an environmental scientist, being a team player is really a must. One must know the tradition of pakikisama by heart. A team may be diverse as its members come from different disciplines, but it has to work as one, just like a super-organism (Sounds familiar, right?).

And to tell you the truth, I am enjoying my life as a graduate student because of the people around me. I have my awesome professors, batchmates and classmates with me (Naks. :p) . I never experienced being alone in my journey (so far), contrary to what I was expecting before. I thought that I'll be having very few buddies because only few people pursue grad school. But that is not the case for me. They're so many for me (Probably because I used to have a relatively small circle of friends). I still have a social life with them. I enjoy their company as I learn lots of lessons in life, career, and even love (Hahaha!) from them. Being the youngest in the batch, I also enjoy being called as bunso. :)

Grad school is bittersweet. It costs more money, sleep, blood, sweat and tears; but it can bring to anyone lessons and experiences that are invaluable indeed. It gave me a chance to mature in a different way. I'll just try my best to cherish every bittersweet moments I'm having right now and soon leave this season happily and without any regrets.

06062013

I remember what my churchmate had told me before. "You will have your major decisions in life when you reach the age of 20." True enough, I had one big decision that I never thought would change the flow of the next stories of my life.

It was a year ago that I decided to let go of pursuing medicine after graduation. I was 19 at that time. Since then, I wanted to pursue a master's degree after I finished Biology. I just know in my heart that I want to teach someday. I don't know how, but I have the heart. But I know it will never be enough. I know that after I finished my undergrad course, I am not yet ready and equipped to teach excellently. That is one of the reasons that drive me to pursue a postgraduate course.

Since I had somewhat a view of a direction where my life will lead to, I made out plans already. I am a person who wants to plan ahead. However, I failed to see the setbacks as I walk along. I found out that I cannot apply in the campus where I originally wanted to apply. My grades cannot make it; and if ever I luckily make it in, it will be very hard for me to survive.

The good thing about a planner like me is that I have a Plan B. Yes, I have a Plan B, and even a Plan C, my worst case scenario when everything else fails. It was really hard for me to let go of my Plan A, because I thought that it was the best. Lately, I realized that the mere fact that Plan A has its flaws makes it ineligible to be considered as the best plan.

I half-heatedly chose Plan B.  It was the same program that I wanted, but a different campus. The rest is history, and will be history. I was just surprised of the doors that opened for me. It might be my second best plan before; but right now, I can truly say that I made the right choice. I know in my heart that something greater is ahead of me. I'm not yet there; but I'm getting there. A few steps closer.

This is just one of the major decisions that I made. There are a lot to go. I have no regrets, because I learned some things. I learned to let go. And right now, I am learning the art of waiting.

I Dreamed a Dream

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

This is the season when I should be busy in submitting application forms for med schools. This must be the time when I should envision myself as someone who is wearing a white coat and carrying a stethoscope.  I should be excited in studying parasites and tissues as it gives a glimpse of what I will be studying in the future.

But that's not the case for me. I never thought that the childhood dream slowly became blurry and later out of my sight. To make words simpler, right now, I cannot see myself as a physician in the future.

"I want to be a doctor someday." Those were the words that I had said since I was a child. I used to tell my classmates that I want to become a doctor. My family, since the earliest moment in my life that I can remember, have encouraged me to become one. I was too young to think of what path I want to take then, but I at that time I simply wanted to heal the sick.

Years have passed, and during my first twelve years in school, whenever I was asked of my ambition, I would always tell them that I want to be a doctor. All of them would believe on me, and all of them would hope that I will be someday. And then it changed.

I am taking Biology in college (and will graduate on April 2013). It is indeed a course for those who want to go into the medical field. As a pre-med course, this degree program really showed me what life is. I was able to see the things beyond what I see in animals and plants and nature, but I failed to appreciate its medical applications.

Calling? Certainly, there is, but I heard a different call. Different from what I aspired years ago.

After my undergrad, I am planning to take a master's degree and pursue teaching or research (Teaching is much closer to my heart, btw). These are the career options that any Bio major would less likely to choose. I don't know what will happen in the next chapters in my life; I do not have a foresight of what will happen in the future. I changed my mind not because I lose hope; I only want to take a different path right now. I want to do something that I would really love, something that I would passionately do even if the salaries are low.

To those who believed and hoped with me, I pray that I did not fail your expectations of me. I hope that whatever would become of me in a few years time, you will still be happy for me, and will celebrate with me.

The Dream (a graffiti)

I saw you crying. I remembered this dream. And because our days are counted.

Images in Black

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

Then you'll realize

There are lots of things to be seen in almost opaquely dark.

The times that were once yours

The days when what surrounds you was everything

When words were gentle and not deafening like roars

When what is impossible was nothing

Something that your soul yearns to see

Everything that the heart has been telling about

Something that the ear had heard from a shout

Everything that the child inside you wants to be

The times that you wished not to be seen by you

The days when you wished you were sleeping or dead

When colors around you were gray and blue

When the body and the soul were deeply wounded

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

See that the "was", "will be" and "must be" in your mind becoming alive

See that the "must not be" are creeping in the dark

Although the eyes are closed,

The heart still beats.

The face sometimes smiles;

There are times that it cries.

The tears may fall.

They happen.

Close your eyes.

See the vast image of black.

Hear the silence of the night that is dark.

Wait until the thought temporarily dies.

Wait until you fall asleep. 

A Poem Written on a Tissue Paper

Run as if the day won't end.

Although the world can't comprehend,

Let your dreams spread out like light

Like infinity that is far beyond one's sight.

As you travel across the depths and heights,

Never stop moving as long as the track is right.

Move a mountain or rustle the leaves of a tree.

In either way, a difference is what they will see.

10222011

6:52pm

wake up, you're dreaming...

Have you experienced knowing that you are dreaming while still in a dream?

It happened to me several times, and the last one happened last Tuesday morning. I want to end up my dreams, particularly the bad ones.

I feel that I am not moving the way I used to be. Then somewhere in the middle, I will realize that I am not in my world. I try to move, but I can control myself hardly. There were times that I can, then I will try to activate my senses by to bite myself or pinch myself; but none of them works, since I am still inside my dream. I am not feeling any pain. The good thing about that is that it gives me a stronger proof that I am dreaming. The only thing that wakes me up is by commanding myself in my mind to wake up. "Wake up, wake up, wake up..."

Not all attempts to wake myself up are successful. Sometimes I am able open my eyes, but later I will realize that I just shifted to another world -- in another dream. I will struggle to do the same things over and over again, until I am really awake and conscious in the real world.

My last dream ended at around 1 or 2am. The good thing is that I am not speaking anything (in the real world) while I am dreaming... Well, no one reported to me the morning after that I was speaking while deep asleep at that time of my dream. :)