My Life as an Environmental Science Student

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

Took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Who would have thought that I will become a graduate student right now? I was a graduate of BS Biology last year in UP Manila. I dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since I was a kid. Upon knowing this background, you would think that I would be pursuing medicine someday. However, that was not the case for me. I took another path, and decided to take MS Environmental Science in UPLB.

Why pursue a Master's degree? It is because until this point in time I am not seeing myself as a medical doctor. I just know in myself that when I force myself to go to a medical school, I will not be happy. I want to do something that I am passionate about. I would like to become a teacher in the future, and I find my MS degree as a firm stepping stone in pursuing that passion.

After I graduated last 2013, I find myself a bit lost in track. I am a Biology major,  but I do not have any field of specialization. I find it hard to fit myself in any workplace. Whenever there is a job hiring available, they usually require a working experience and an area of specialization. Unfortunately, I do not have any of those. So, I decided to study again as a graduate student.

This track I chose was never easy indeed. I came in the grad school together with my anxieties, and honestly, I had a hard time adjusting myself during my first few days (or even weeks, I guess). Being the youngest, a fresh graduate of a Bachelor's degree and without any work experience, pursuing graduate studies in UPLB is really a tough challenge for me.

Why Environmental Science? I chose this field because I learned to appreciate it during my undergraduate thesis. My thesis was more likely related to environmental science. My thinking before was just seeing a little perspective then, about molluscs, heavy metals, bioaccumulation and other related stuff. Little did I know that environmental science is something greater and broader.

I saw a wider perspective of environmental science when I became an MS (short for Master of Science) student. I realized that an environmental problem is not that simple. A lot of angles has to be inspected, or in other terms, this problem passes through a lot of disciplines that it has to be approached holistically. I also realized that I am still ignorant in a lot of things. The term "interdisciplinary" may somehow be called a cliché in environmental science, but that term really taught me to become open in other disciplines, whether in natural or physical or social sciences, and to be willing to learn new things from others.

I also learned how to deal with other people. As an environmental scientist, being a team player is really a must. One must know the tradition of pakikisama by heart. A team may be diverse as its members come from different disciplines, but it has to work as one, just like a super-organism (Sounds familiar, right?).

And to tell you the truth, I am enjoying my life as a graduate student because of the people around me. I have my awesome professors, batchmates and classmates with me (Naks. :p) . I never experienced being alone in my journey (so far), contrary to what I was expecting before. I thought that I'll be having very few buddies because only few people pursue grad school. But that is not the case for me. They're so many for me (Probably because I used to have a relatively small circle of friends). I still have a social life with them. I enjoy their company as I learn lots of lessons in life, career, and even love (Hahaha!) from them. Being the youngest in the batch, I also enjoy being called as bunso. :)

Grad school is bittersweet. It costs more money, sleep, blood, sweat and tears; but it can bring to anyone lessons and experiences that are invaluable indeed. It gave me a chance to mature in a different way. I'll just try my best to cherish every bittersweet moments I'm having right now and soon leave this season happily and without any regrets.

05182012

They do not look good; but the memories behind it were real and beautiful.
And now I am talking of those numbers again. Those numbers that were permanently written on my transcript of records and classcards. They were not as excellent as they were supposed to be. In those numbers I can see pain, hardship, and perseverance. Not just those things; I can also see my procrastination and my shortcomings.

I can see from those numbers how imperfect I am. And I can also see how dependent I am to God.

Originally, as I see those numbers, I also see my incompetence. To any person who was formerly included in what people say as the "cream of the crop" in high school, it is disappointing to have those numbers upon entering the university. Frustrated. That was how I felt. I always say to myself that I did my best. MY very best... and yet I failed to seize that best number.

This life is not about me at all.

I looked on what I can do. I admired my abilities... and I trusted on it. And when I tried to stand on it, I realized that they are not strong enough. Nothing compared to the world I am facing.

---- Change of perspective. :)

This life is about the Giver of this life.

I trusted on my own abilities; but I failed to trust the One who gave those abilities to me. After all, my abilities are not mine. I will not have those abilities without God. In other words, I do not have anything I can be proud of. I only have my Abba Father who has poured out His grace on a person like me. My abilities are designed to glorify Him who is strong enough to uphold me as I face the world.

As I see those numbers, I see that some not-so-good scene of the story happened in between; but then somewhere in this "in between" there is a lesson that I was able to grasp. I do not have anything I can be proud of. All I have is God's. :)

That Number

Muntik na akong patayin ng isang maling akala.

And because of this, I was able to feel that feeling when someone gets that grade of 5. Ang hirap pala. Pagsama-samahin na natin ang lungkot, galit, disappointment, depression at sakit ng ulo (dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip ko tungkol dito.

It was Friday the 13th (Although I do not believe in its myth, because of that some terrible thing that happened, it will be a memorable but not lovable day for me.). And there. I saw my classcard with something written on red ink. It said that I failed on a 5-unit major killer subject. I went to my prof to consult about it; but for some unidentified reasons, she was not in the proper mood to talk about my grades. Nothing worked. Kahit pagmamakaawa. I felt hopeless and was crying.

It really hurts to have that number in your history of college life (which will be seen in the transcript of records). Call it a mere number, but that number is something. My scholarship is at stake. What hurts more is when you know that you have done your best but you were not able to make it.

I believed that I will be able to pass that subject. I believed that this is impossible to happen in me, although I failed 2 out of 8 exams and barely passed the others. But that piece of paper said that I must not believe.

For three days I was in agony. I cried during the rest of my weekend. I felt hopeless; but somewhere I need to hold on to that thread of hope. I hoped that she was wrong and I am right.

Then Monday came. For the second time, I went to her again, to at least see how did I get that number. I just said to myself that whatever happens, I will accept it upon seeing each component that made up my grade. She was wrong. I am right. Something was wrong in the computation of my grades (And among all her students, I was the lucky one who got a wrong computation.). When it was corrected, I got a passing grade. Well, a bit more than the passing. :)

The rest will be history. Haha. Just imagine that awesome feeling when you got saved just before you were about to die. You will simply cry again (due to extreme happiness and gratitude). My faith was tested by that number.

Grasp. Hold on. Keep holding on.

Just had my last two tough weeks. And yet finals was not yet there. It is indeed hard; and this is my hardest semester ever. (Summer please come soon.) God was teaching me that same message for a week already.
Thank Him when you're blessed. Thank Him when you're not...?


I have done my best; and yet the best is not still there. The prize is miles far away from me. Where are your promises to me, my Lord? If you are with me, why is this happening? Those type of thoughts were on my mind. With those circumstances bugging around, it feels like I'm terribly wounded.

If there is one thing that I learned, it is something about my supposed-to-be response in times this. This experience is hard; but responding to this hard experience is harder.


I will worship Him even if I am hurt and wounded. God is still God, and my sufferings will not make him less of being a God. How will someone honor God when she feels weak inside? Looks like a paradox, right? Yet in times like this, He reveals more of His power, and apart from God, we are weak. See more of Him, and not on the circumstances.


Even if you are hurt and wounded, I am still with you, mighty warrior. Despite of my doubts, God said those words to me. He is still the Lover of my soul, and my doubts will not make Him love me less. He is a God and a Lover at the same time. He calls me mighty because I am with Him. :)
At the end of the day, this is not about the promise being granted, it is about the Giver of that promise. This is all about God.

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

-Psalm 71:20-21 (NIV) 

 

Because I miss blogging...

I am posting again some random thoughts, because I still believe that the greatest things are sometimes occuring randomly. Heehee. Right now I am thinking of the things that are supposed to be posted here, but because of my super busyness, I was not able to post before.
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(still thinking)
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Heto nnnaaaaaa.
Here are the random things from a random blog of a random mind.

7 Days of Prayer and Fasting. I started the year consecrating myself for God. Surprisingly, I was able to do this one; but the more surprising thing is that God answered one of my prayers even before it ends. :D

Books to read. Right now, I have 4 on the list; but again, because of my super busyness, ... (complete the most probable phrase for this sentence. :p). I'd rather read my textbooks. Ouch.

Birthday on Friday. This Friday will be my 19th birthday. My last year as a teen.

Plans. I am excited for my summer since this will be my first summer in my undergrad life that I will not be taking any summer classes. I'll make myself busy with DOST's Summer Practical Training Program (SPTP) and Training for Victory (T4V).

Stories in my mind. Because my imagination goes somewhere, there are now three of them; but I cannot express them through words.

My random thoughts ended up being random, somehow going to different directions. Haha.
I still need to sleep, or else I'll get sleepy again in my Animal Physio class tomorrow. T.T
Good morning.

Random thoughts

1. It is better to have an exam a day than two exams in a day. I have that tendency to sacrifice one for the sake of the other. But yesterday, it seemed that I lost both of them. No more shotgun exams, E.
2. Paradigm shift, paradigm shift, paradigm shift... until when? Where is the change?
3. ALWAYS STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE.
4. I set standards that I myself cannot even reach. :\ ---> a character of a Melancholy temperament.
5. I want this semester to end soon. I need to retrieve my lost hours (or should I say "days") of sleeping; and I have to read my books that I bought last September at MIBF.
6. No more finals please.

What I Missed the Most

Elo was found guilty... of being physically present, but mentally and spiritually absent. (???) She was found guilty of cramming in examinations, of having much time on Facebook than laboratory manuals, of forgetting to have a prayer, and of leaving the Bible unread from Monday to Saturday.

Aw, grabe na pala, at kung tutuusin, kulang pa yan. I have a lot of sins. Natural lang, dahil isa rin lang akong tao. Pero di ba dapat may pagbabago?

"I Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can't explain like a weight that I've carried
Been carried away, away"

Aminin na, may mga araw talaga na parang EMPTY. The feeling na parang ang hirap bumangon sa umaga, kahit dapat nagcracram na. Samahan pa ng mga araw na parang dumadaan lang sa tainga ko ang discussion ng prof, at saka lang mag-aaral ng todo a day before exams. Mga araw na hindi alam kung saan ang patutunguhan. I must be happy, of course...pero may times na ang hirap magpakasaya.

I missed God. Yun na yon. Naalala ko pa ang bonding moments with the ministry. Namimiss ko na ang tambourine ko... ang sarili as a tambourinist. At ng nag-aral ako dito sa Manila, umaattend ako sa Sunday service, but it feels like I'm numb. He seems so distant...at ako, hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop ng isipan napapadpad. Sometimes, nagde-daydream lang, o kaya naman pinoproblema ang acads habang nasa church.

Apart from God, I can do nothing. Siguro nakakalimutan ko ang sentence na ito. Masyado akong nagrerely sa sarili ko, kahit hindi naman reliable.

Ikaw lang naman ang lumalayo eh. Yan ang words na nag-e-echo sa isipan ko. It has been so long, pero ang slow ng development. Haay. I have spent too much on other things na hindi naman magtatagal. I'm so sorry.

Pero thankful na rin ako... dahil hindi Niya ako pinabayaan. ^_^ Binigyan pa ako ng chance. Mabuti na lang may nag-invite sa akin na umattend sa isang Bible Study sa campus. It was just then na na-realize ko na I had missed a lot.

"It feels like today I know
It feels like today I'm sure
It's the one thing that's missin'
The one thing I'm wishin'
Life's sacred blessin' and then
It feels like today "

Narestore na ulet... parang ganun. :') Wala namang mangyayari sa akin kung patuloy lang akong malulungkot at isipin kung gaano ka-unfair ang mundo. I need to grow (parang halaman). I have to look forward sa mga plano ni God sa akin. I do believe that He always loves me (cheesy!).

(...at nagkaroon pa ako ng time para magblog. haha. detox mode. may 2 hell weeks pa na paparating.)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (Favorite verse. I would like to thank Ate Zabdiel for this... kahit alam kong hindi mo nababasa itong blog ko.)