The way we used to be

We used to be close
With friendship being built through time.
Against all trials.
But then there came a time
When it went too far
And it caused pain
As the deepest parts of me
Became uncovered,
Revealed,
Until I could not stand the spotlight anymore.

Slowly the girl moved away
From the spotlight
To the backstage
To the exit door
And ran away.
Crying.
Broken.

It took days and weeks
Until the emotion faded somehow.
I went back,
Tried to fix it up.
To restore everything
To the way we used to be.

Probably it is I who built the wall
Unconsciously.
A defense mechanism
Of someone who is afraid of being uncovered,
Revealed.

Probably they were the ones who built it.
I just don't fit in
Since I'm not the one
They are expecting me to be.

Maybe it's time
To accept the change.
If it's impossible to embrace,
Maybe,
At least,
I have to accept it.
Just like that.
Because everything has changed
From the way we used to be.

My Life as an Environmental Science Student

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I

Took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

Who would have thought that I will become a graduate student right now? I was a graduate of BS Biology last year in UP Manila. I dreamed of becoming a doctor ever since I was a kid. Upon knowing this background, you would think that I would be pursuing medicine someday. However, that was not the case for me. I took another path, and decided to take MS Environmental Science in UPLB.

Why pursue a Master's degree? It is because until this point in time I am not seeing myself as a medical doctor. I just know in myself that when I force myself to go to a medical school, I will not be happy. I want to do something that I am passionate about. I would like to become a teacher in the future, and I find my MS degree as a firm stepping stone in pursuing that passion.

After I graduated last 2013, I find myself a bit lost in track. I am a Biology major,  but I do not have any field of specialization. I find it hard to fit myself in any workplace. Whenever there is a job hiring available, they usually require a working experience and an area of specialization. Unfortunately, I do not have any of those. So, I decided to study again as a graduate student.

This track I chose was never easy indeed. I came in the grad school together with my anxieties, and honestly, I had a hard time adjusting myself during my first few days (or even weeks, I guess). Being the youngest, a fresh graduate of a Bachelor's degree and without any work experience, pursuing graduate studies in UPLB is really a tough challenge for me.

Why Environmental Science? I chose this field because I learned to appreciate it during my undergraduate thesis. My thesis was more likely related to environmental science. My thinking before was just seeing a little perspective then, about molluscs, heavy metals, bioaccumulation and other related stuff. Little did I know that environmental science is something greater and broader.

I saw a wider perspective of environmental science when I became an MS (short for Master of Science) student. I realized that an environmental problem is not that simple. A lot of angles has to be inspected, or in other terms, this problem passes through a lot of disciplines that it has to be approached holistically. I also realized that I am still ignorant in a lot of things. The term "interdisciplinary" may somehow be called a cliché in environmental science, but that term really taught me to become open in other disciplines, whether in natural or physical or social sciences, and to be willing to learn new things from others.

I also learned how to deal with other people. As an environmental scientist, being a team player is really a must. One must know the tradition of pakikisama by heart. A team may be diverse as its members come from different disciplines, but it has to work as one, just like a super-organism (Sounds familiar, right?).

And to tell you the truth, I am enjoying my life as a graduate student because of the people around me. I have my awesome professors, batchmates and classmates with me (Naks. :p) . I never experienced being alone in my journey (so far), contrary to what I was expecting before. I thought that I'll be having very few buddies because only few people pursue grad school. But that is not the case for me. They're so many for me (Probably because I used to have a relatively small circle of friends). I still have a social life with them. I enjoy their company as I learn lots of lessons in life, career, and even love (Hahaha!) from them. Being the youngest in the batch, I also enjoy being called as bunso. :)

Grad school is bittersweet. It costs more money, sleep, blood, sweat and tears; but it can bring to anyone lessons and experiences that are invaluable indeed. It gave me a chance to mature in a different way. I'll just try my best to cherish every bittersweet moments I'm having right now and soon leave this season happily and without any regrets.

07222013

To the reader,

It's been a long time since I posted anything here. My undergrad life ended a few months back, and it feels like my life has paused for a while. Actually, it's moving. I just feel that it moves slowly after graduation. The post-graduation crisis, I guess. Nothing's significantly happening in me; however, in the life of other people around me, there are. And to tell you the truth, I feel a bit jealous on them.

As a person who is always in want of accomplishing something, it is truly hard for me to stay in this state. My hands are craving for work to achieve something. I am learning the art of patience so slowly (at least I am learning...little by little). I start to become bored of the routines at home. I know, I HAVE TO wait.

I am waiting productively somehow. I am getting the recommended eight hours of sleep, three liters of water, and 30-minute walks daily. I have less caffeine intake and a stress-free life. So different from what was happening last February, during the toxic days of my senior year. I am trying to pursue a healthy lifestyle--which I would have never done if I were busy at work or at school.

Still in hopes that my life will move significantly in its proper time,

Elo

P.S. I really need to gain weight. I'm ten kilos behind.

06062013

I remember what my churchmate had told me before. "You will have your major decisions in life when you reach the age of 20." True enough, I had one big decision that I never thought would change the flow of the next stories of my life.

It was a year ago that I decided to let go of pursuing medicine after graduation. I was 19 at that time. Since then, I wanted to pursue a master's degree after I finished Biology. I just know in my heart that I want to teach someday. I don't know how, but I have the heart. But I know it will never be enough. I know that after I finished my undergrad course, I am not yet ready and equipped to teach excellently. That is one of the reasons that drive me to pursue a postgraduate course.

Since I had somewhat a view of a direction where my life will lead to, I made out plans already. I am a person who wants to plan ahead. However, I failed to see the setbacks as I walk along. I found out that I cannot apply in the campus where I originally wanted to apply. My grades cannot make it; and if ever I luckily make it in, it will be very hard for me to survive.

The good thing about a planner like me is that I have a Plan B. Yes, I have a Plan B, and even a Plan C, my worst case scenario when everything else fails. It was really hard for me to let go of my Plan A, because I thought that it was the best. Lately, I realized that the mere fact that Plan A has its flaws makes it ineligible to be considered as the best plan.

I half-heatedly chose Plan B.  It was the same program that I wanted, but a different campus. The rest is history, and will be history. I was just surprised of the doors that opened for me. It might be my second best plan before; but right now, I can truly say that I made the right choice. I know in my heart that something greater is ahead of me. I'm not yet there; but I'm getting there. A few steps closer.

This is just one of the major decisions that I made. There are a lot to go. I have no regrets, because I learned some things. I learned to let go. And right now, I am learning the art of waiting.

04242013

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.    -Deuteronomy 31:8

It was like God is saying to me na "Anak, before ka pa gumawa ng major decisions in life, pinaghandaan ko na yan. May plans na ako ahead of your way. You only need to trust me. Huwag kang matakot. There will be times when you have to take risks in following my will. Pero in the end, I will assure you na wala kang pagsisisihan, dahil I'm giving my best for you. I have been faithful to you for more than 20 years, and I will still remain faithful to you in the next years of your life."

God, bakit ang faithful mo? :)

03292013

I never thought that April will get this critical. I never thought that it will be this difficult. Or maybe it is I who is making everything difficult. The worrier inside me wants to get out again and say "The road ahead is not that easy."

I have my dreams, my passion and my desire of achieving great things. I am done with proving myself to be somebody; I left that mindset in my high school days. Right now, I am aiming to fulfill that purpose, to do what my heart really yearns to do. In this case, I know I have to follow my heart. Follow my heart, and yet guided by wisdom.

I see a divergence ahead. Before approaching that divergence, I have already decided to take the other road -- The less traveled road. But there is this fear growing inside. I have all the opportunities, with some threats interspersed along the way. All I need is to have some guts to step ahead and overcome my fear.

God, give me the courage and make me feel secure of my future.

Last Letter

March 08, 2013
10:13PM

I know that this time, you will be able to read this.

I saw the news this late morning; and indeed, I was one of those people who really felt sad about it. That normal human instinct of feeling sad, especially to people who had known you like me. I cannot explain the emotions inside me.  At this time, I am happy because I am going to the province after some months of staying in Manila. I am also happy that I will be attending my cousin's wedding tomorrow.  On the other hand, there is also this pang of sadness because of what happened to you.

The series of events made me realize that with every celebration happening, there is also mourning at some point in the globe. That with every life introduced in the world, there is also a life taken away.

I should be happy for you. At last, the pains are no more to be felt by you. You're safe in God's love and presence. However, I feel that sadness towards the people you left behind. You have been so precious to them that they had fought for you. Indeed, it's hard for them to lose you.

You are an excellent fighter who never gave up. Your life has helped me define what a real fighter is. Because of you, I realized that a real fighter is not someone who remains alive after a difficult battle; he is someone who fearlessly faces each trials ahead of his way. You are that kind of fighter; and you have fought a good fight of faith.

After a long and tiresome battle, the fighter needs to rest in the arms of Abba Father. Have your rest now. This is a season for us to simply trust in His character, in Him who is the Author of our lives, including yours. I guess He ended your story happily… or much more appropriate to say, that it never ended, because we know that you are in Him, right at this time until forever.

comic. tragic.

Last Song Syndrome.

Because this song speaks of a half-fiction-half-real story.
A day will come when I'll laugh every time I remember it.

To have something to laugh at in the future, I decided to post this... before this season ends.

Story of Us 

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us
How we met and the sparks flew instantly
People would say they're the lucky ones 

I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on 

Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fallout
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up, I can't break through 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now 

Next chapter 

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me 

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me 

Oh I'm scared to see the ending
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you, but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now 

This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side 

The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you'd say you'd rather love then fight 

So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
When it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
Now, now 

And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know, is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate
'Cause we're going down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now 

THE END.

for a friend

^supposedly a letter. recovered from a note written last October 22. still in hope that the person is getting better.

***

This would be an attempt of writing a letter for you. With this letter kept hidden, it would be impossible for you to read any of these words; it would be impossible for you to hear my side. I do hope that one day, you'll be able to listen to my side.

I know that these past few days became too hard for you, that you are indeed in a state when everything seem hopeless. Certainly, I am aware of it; it is only that I am afraid of telling these words; it is only that I might not take it to see you in that condition. Yes, in this situation I am a coward.

I do hope that you will just have a faith despite of everything happening in your life. I do not care if it is big or small, at least you have one. At least you have the guts that will drive you to push further until you have spent all of your strength. Bear in mind that God has His grace that is always there, that this grace is made perfect in weakness. Continue to have that attitude of faith.

Please do not give up, for the people around you are not giving up. When you are weak, it does not mean that you already gave up. And even if you become weak, there will people around you who will support you in every possible way that they can. And even if these people around you will be gone, God will still be there for you. He will never leave you, whatever happens.

Get well soon. You still need to pursue that dream that I dreamed before.

09242012

Sino ba ako para problemahin ang problema ng iba?

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko rin alam. Hindi naman ako dating ganito. Noon, isa akong tao na walang pakialam sa mundo. Sino sila para paglaanan ko ng oras sa pag-iisip? May sari-sariling buhay ang bawat tao. Pero may koneksyon ang isang tao sa isa pa. Kailanman ay hindi mo masasabi na nag-iisa ang tao.

Tahimik akong tao, pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay wala akong pakialam sa kanila. Sa paglabas ng bawat unos na sumasapit sa mga taong nakapalibot sa akin, nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman nila. Mga bagay na tila kung tutuusin ay hindi ko dapat iniisip. Subalit hindi sapat ang aking pang-unawa upang unawain ang lahat ng ito, at hindi sapat ang aking kakayahan upang isaayos ang lahat ng bagay. Tulad nila, isa lamang akong tao. Walang kakayahang maging makapangyarihan sa lahat ng bagay.

Ang mga suliraning iyon ang unti-unting dumudurog sa puso ko. Ito ang mga bagay na kung tutuusin ay hindi ko dapat nararamdaman. Minsan naisip ko na magpakamanhid na lang sa ginagawa nila. Pero ibang nilalang na ako ngayon. Hindi na umiikot sa aking sarili ang buong buhay ko. Naging bahagi na rin sila ng buhay ko.

Ang martir lang ng dating, di ba? Sa totoo lang, nakakapanghina. Nakakapanghinang isipin ang problema ng iba. Minsan gusto ko ng sumuko at ibalik ang dating sarili, ngunit hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang mawalan ng pakialam sa kapwa ko. Hindi ko kayang bitawan ang nararamdaman ng mga taong minamahal ko, lalo na ng Diyos na alam kong nakakaramdam din ng mga ganitong bagay. Isang maliit na bintana lamang ang aking nasisilayang problema kumpara sa mga problemang nakikita Niya. Alam kong kailanman, hindi Siya nawalan ng pakialam sa problema sa mundo.

Mabuti na lang, hindi Siya tao. Di hamak na malawak ang Kanyang pang-unawa, at higit Siyang makapangyarihan sa akin. Higit sa lahat, alam kong mapagmahal Siya. Alam kong wala na akong magagawa sa mga problema nila; ngunit kung Siya, alam kong meron pa.

Isa lang naman akong tao na nararamdaman ang problema ng iba. 

Adventures of a Bookworm

I guess I need to take a pause from the busyness of acads and tell you what happened on a Thursday night.

I went to the 33rd Manila International Book Fair (MIBF) at SMX Convention Center last Thursday. Last year's MIBF was the first book fair I ever attended, and I was with some of my blockmates who are also bookworms. With a limited budget at that time, I promised to myself that I will surely go to the next MIBF and will save a bigger amount of money.  These promises were granted last Thursday. :)

I arrived at SMX at around 5PM. Unlike last year, I went there alone. My senior days get busier as the end of semester approaches, and we failed to have a certain time schedule that we will be able to go there together. Going to a book fair alone is not lonely at all, because I somehow enjoy walking alone (Random fact: Most of the time I go to a mall unaccompanied.). I find joy in solitude, because during those times my mind becomes filled with lots of thoughts.

But that was not the actual case that happened in this book fair, because I was able to meet a new person. I met her inside the stall of National Bookstore, and as she saw me holding Pride and Prejudice, she told me, "Bibilhin mo? Maganda ang librong yan." I responded to her, and I said that it was indeed beautiful. I already read the novel and I simply wanted to have a copy of my own. From then on this stranger became my friend.

Her name is Liezel. She is a young professional, and a lover of classics like me. Surprisingly, she is a Christian attending at Victory Pioneer (Another random fact: I am attending at Victory U-Belt). At that time we talked about different classics, including Pride and Prejudice and Little Women. (..aand she also sees Mr. Darcy as an ideal man. :">) She also helped me in finding a more affordable version of Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina (because it is worth more than Php600 in NB).

Truly grateful of meeting a bookworm, a new friend that I would probably meet once in my whole life . I do hope that it will not be our last.

In the end, I was not alone at all. When she left, I also spotted some of my churchmates at the book fair. Riding on my way home in a jeepney full of strangers, I felt that I am not a lonely bookworm at all.

***

Bought eight books, two of which I have already read (Pride and Prejudice and What's So Amazing About Grace?). Both of them are highly recommended by yours truly... and it is worth having a copy of my own. On the left are the freebies I got from Penguin and OMF. 

Recalled to Life

***A blog article originally posted on Tumblr last October 31, 2011. May contain spoilers.

I am the Resurrection and the Life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives in me will never die.-John 11:25-26 (NIV)

This passage was quoted in A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens), a novel that I finished reading yesterday. And guess what? This same passage was the same text that I heard this afternoon at the church (It made me realize one thing: God can even speak through novels!).

First, I would like to give a picture of a scene in the book. The setting of the scene was set in France, during the French Revolution. One of the main characters is about to be guillotined in a few minutes. (This, I think, would be enough. I do not want to spoil anyone who has not yet read this novel. ;) )

Death, cruelty, injustice, inequality. These abstract nouns can be associated with the scenes in the novel. It is as if disorder comes after an attempt to change another disorder; and everything seems hopeless and tragic.

I am the Resurrection and the Life…
We tend to see the impossibilities and lose our hope, like passing through the edge of a canyon wherein the the only way is to go down. Hope, the thinnest string that keeps a person from falling, suddenly breaks when everything happens against. Everything fails. Then, we fail to understand why did it happen.

In this very moment, we must believe in Him and surrender. We might not see the picture right now: it might happen some time after or even fail to see it for the rest of our life, but God works even in the most unexpected ways. The thread may be gone, but there is God’s righteous right hand to save you from death, to bring back that stolen justice, and to steady that flickering view of His plan that we fail to see.

Easier said than done, right? I myself have suffered from hopelessness, and honestly it really approaches the word impossible. The world says no, but then my faith begins to say yes again as I was reminded again what God can do, especially in times like this. I know He can give life to my seemingly dying view of tomorrow.

I will stand at my watch
and station myself at the ramparts;
I will look to see what he will say to me,
and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

-Habakkuk 2:1 

The Little Prince and I (a short story)

Those days will soon remain as memories: just plain memories. If rewinding a part of my past and playing it in loop are possible, I could have done it in order to cherish those memories. Even if it means upon reaching a certain season of adulthood I will become a child again, and even if those scenes would be repeating in cycles, I would rather have them than seeing my fate happening.

           My days are counted. Soon, I’m going to be married to a man. I will become a wife of someone after a week. My last few weeks have been so busy preparing for my wedding. Not just I, but all the people around me were busy. Being a bride-to-be is not like a princess waiting for that special day of happy ever after with the prince; a bride-to-be must iron out everything before the wedding comes: from venue, gowns, sponsors, up to reception area and honeymoon. And life does not end in marriage, so as long as I live, I cannot say that it will be a happy ever after.

            To isolate myself from the busyness of my marriage preparation, I went to a library to read. Reading novels allows me to forget reality for some hours. As that day comes near, my desire to forget reality becomes greater. I never really wanted that marriage in the first place; I never really loved him either. I am forced to marry someone whom I lately knew in order to strengthen my family’s business connections. I love someone else, but my parents did not (and will not ever) permit me. If my family is not powerful enough to make the life of the one I love miserable in the eyes of the society, I could have left them and fearlessly decide to leave that engagement.

               The smell of old books attracts me so much. I scanned from one shelf to another until I spotted the thin white book of The Little Prince. It was my favorite childhood story; and also his favorite novella.  How come that some things like this reminds me of him, I thought. We used to talk about it when we were young, believing that if the Little Prince did not allow the snake to bite him, he could have been alive until now.

            I grabbed the book, sat on the floor and leaned on a tall shelf filled with lots of other books. I opened the white book and scanned through its pages. The illustrations remain beautiful in the eyes of a grown-up like me, since it became a part of my childhood. These illustrations widened my developing imagination when I was young.

               “Hello there!” I suddenly heard a small, childlike voice. I stood up and walked across the room, looking on the each horizontal shelf that separate the room into sections. I was the only person in the room. I returned to the place where I sat and continued reading the book.

                “Hey miss! I’m here!” This time, that same small voice disturbed me.

                “Me?” I replied.

                Yes, the only person holding my book.”

             I looked at my side and saw a tiny young man standing beside me. He was a yellow haired and dressed in royal clothes. His eyes looked innocent, and he was smiling at me.

               I checked the book I was holding and saw the illustration of the Little Prince. Although the drawing is not as detailed as the little man I was seeing at that time, it confirmed that what I saw right before my eyes is the Little Prince.

                “You are… the prince here?” I, still surprised by what I saw, said these words to him as I pointed the illustration at the front cover. He nodded.

                The place was cold because the AC was on. The fact that I felt that coldness and the dusty books around me made me realize that I was not dreaming and what I was seeing is true.

                “Why did you call me?”

               “Because you are the only person in this room, and you are the only person who opened that book of mine after five years.”

                I felt sad upon hearing that, because I am also guilty of leaving his story behind. I grew up without thinking of the Little Prince until that moment of our encounter. I belonged to those grown-ups who left children’s stories to our childhood years.

                “I thought you were dead,” I said to him.

                “And according to what you are seeing now, I am not,” he responded. “I was able to return to my planet and saw my rose again.”

                “How is she now?”

               “She is too old to bloom as beautiful as the first time I saw her, yet she is still that same rose whom I love so dearly.”

                There was a dead silence between us. I knew that the reminiscence of his old rose made him feel sad at that time.

                “Why did you return to Earth?” I asked.

                “Because I thought I would still be able to see the pilot I met when I first arrived here. I want to tell him that my rose is still alive. After few weeks of my search for him, I heard that he was dead already. At first I thought that it was untrue, but when I went to this library and saw his biography and his book telling our story, it validated the words I heard from the people. I am really missing him.”

                I was not able to say anything for a moment. He was so sad and I do not know how to comfort him, to at least alleviate that sadness in his heart.

                 At last, I was able to say a sentence. “What can I do for you?”

              He looked at me, and his eyes suddenly enlightened with hope. “Please go with me. We will go back to the planet where I live.”

                “How can we travel from here to your planet?”

               He walked away towards a box. “You see this box? There is a cobra inside it. For five years I was able to go back and forth from asteroid B-612 to Earth using this cobra. Maybe you can help me bring back the beauty of my rose. I think she needs company other than me. We can then leave Earth and live there forever.”

                  I saw the box. It was not huge enough for a cobra in it. “There is a cobra in it?”

    “Yes.”

    “But Little Prince, I am going to be married next week. Actually, I’ll be marrying a person whom I never loved.”

               “Marrying him? Is it possible that a woman will marry a man whom she never loved?”

                With a faltering voice, I replied to him, “In this world, it is possible. In this world full of grown-ups, it is possible.” I felt the tears flowing from my eyes.

               “Ssshh… Don’t cry, miss. I’m sorry if I made you feel sad. If you want, you can run away from this mess. But once you decide to run, it will be very hard to come back. Would you like to go with me?”

                I stopped crying and thought for a moment. I can either leave this world or stay until that dreadful day comes. And how about the person I really loved? Even here or in B-612, I will not be able to see him. Since that day my parents knew that I loved him, he never appeared to me again. They have the powers to make him disappear. When I say powers, it means financial powers that enlarge their sphere of influence. They can do anything they want except one: they cannot go to B-612.

                I decided to retrieve my childhood days. At least I can have him in those days.

                “Do you trust me, my lady?”

                “Okay. I will go with you.”

***

Note: This is a story written for PI100. Believe it or not, this is an assignment in PI100, although this activity is not connected to Jose Rizal. But I really enjoyed writing short stories like these. It revived the dying writer inside me (or if there was no real writer inside me, it allowed to give birth to a new one. :D ). We were given a situation, and then we will write a story about it. In this case, the situation happened in the library, a week before my wedding, where I met the Little Prince and invited me to go to his planet. Forgive me if this story is weird. :)))

Summer

This is a not-so-Elo post. :) ...because I'll post the things that happened last summer in a way that the usual bloggers do. I am not the type of blogger who publish blog posts with pictures. Even if this post is too late (and because my real summer vacation started too late), I think these events are still worth posting.

1. The Class Card
   My summer begins with this bad news that turned out well in the end. For more details about this, CLICK HERE.
   

   

   Alaala ng isang masamang pangyayari: Mabuti na lang hindi na ito ang grade na nakalagay sa CRS . :) 

2. On-the-job training
   The main event of my summer. (Lalalaaaa....) I was the only trainee at one of the labs of NSRI. If I were to describe what happened here, I would say that my training as a whole is tiring yet interesting. This OJT consumed most of my time everyday. It feels like I work more than 8 hours, because I have to do my reports at night. Those reports are not just reports; they are scientific reports. (Imagine the workload. Bwahahaha.) On the other hand, my training became interesting because I was able to learn new things, particularly some laboratory techniques that I am just about to study this upcoming school year. The best thing is I was able to experience them hands on, an experience that I might not be able to have for the rest of my undergrad years.

   

   Mouse testis at 4um. Sectioned using cryostat.
   
   

   

   Feels like a real scientist with this agarose gel illuminated with UV light. \m/

3. Training for Victory (T4V)
   This training equipped me to make disciples. Other than the lots of things that I have learned about discipleship, I also enjoyed the company of my T4V batchmates during the 5 weeks of our training. I also experienced (almost) how to fly from Diliman to Morayta because I only have 1 hour and 15 minutes to travel from one end to another.
   
   

   

   T4V Batch 7.  GO FISH!

   

   At dahil graduate na ako. :D
   

   
   
4. Caliraya Leaders Camp 2012
   One of the reasons why I was able to survive my restless summer is this. (At least I had this camp as an event to look forward to.) Although this camp happened during the first three days of June (already), I still consider this camp as one of the events I had last summer. I learned a lot, enjoyed a lot.... at nakapagrelax na rin (SA WAKAS.) :D I will also never ever forget my ever beloved (and always champion para sa akin na) Orange Team. Heehee.
   
   

   

   My roommates. Hindi ko rin sila makakalimutan. :)

   
   
   
   

05182012

They do not look good; but the memories behind it were real and beautiful.
And now I am talking of those numbers again. Those numbers that were permanently written on my transcript of records and classcards. They were not as excellent as they were supposed to be. In those numbers I can see pain, hardship, and perseverance. Not just those things; I can also see my procrastination and my shortcomings.

I can see from those numbers how imperfect I am. And I can also see how dependent I am to God.

Originally, as I see those numbers, I also see my incompetence. To any person who was formerly included in what people say as the "cream of the crop" in high school, it is disappointing to have those numbers upon entering the university. Frustrated. That was how I felt. I always say to myself that I did my best. MY very best... and yet I failed to seize that best number.

This life is not about me at all.

I looked on what I can do. I admired my abilities... and I trusted on it. And when I tried to stand on it, I realized that they are not strong enough. Nothing compared to the world I am facing.

---- Change of perspective. :)

This life is about the Giver of this life.

I trusted on my own abilities; but I failed to trust the One who gave those abilities to me. After all, my abilities are not mine. I will not have those abilities without God. In other words, I do not have anything I can be proud of. I only have my Abba Father who has poured out His grace on a person like me. My abilities are designed to glorify Him who is strong enough to uphold me as I face the world.

As I see those numbers, I see that some not-so-good scene of the story happened in between; but then somewhere in this "in between" there is a lesson that I was able to grasp. I do not have anything I can be proud of. All I have is God's. :)

That Number

Muntik na akong patayin ng isang maling akala.

And because of this, I was able to feel that feeling when someone gets that grade of 5. Ang hirap pala. Pagsama-samahin na natin ang lungkot, galit, disappointment, depression at sakit ng ulo (dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip ko tungkol dito.

It was Friday the 13th (Although I do not believe in its myth, because of that some terrible thing that happened, it will be a memorable but not lovable day for me.). And there. I saw my classcard with something written on red ink. It said that I failed on a 5-unit major killer subject. I went to my prof to consult about it; but for some unidentified reasons, she was not in the proper mood to talk about my grades. Nothing worked. Kahit pagmamakaawa. I felt hopeless and was crying.

It really hurts to have that number in your history of college life (which will be seen in the transcript of records). Call it a mere number, but that number is something. My scholarship is at stake. What hurts more is when you know that you have done your best but you were not able to make it.

I believed that I will be able to pass that subject. I believed that this is impossible to happen in me, although I failed 2 out of 8 exams and barely passed the others. But that piece of paper said that I must not believe.

For three days I was in agony. I cried during the rest of my weekend. I felt hopeless; but somewhere I need to hold on to that thread of hope. I hoped that she was wrong and I am right.

Then Monday came. For the second time, I went to her again, to at least see how did I get that number. I just said to myself that whatever happens, I will accept it upon seeing each component that made up my grade. She was wrong. I am right. Something was wrong in the computation of my grades (And among all her students, I was the lucky one who got a wrong computation.). When it was corrected, I got a passing grade. Well, a bit more than the passing. :)

The rest will be history. Haha. Just imagine that awesome feeling when you got saved just before you were about to die. You will simply cry again (due to extreme happiness and gratitude). My faith was tested by that number.

Realizations

1. I see myself in the future preferably facing papers and writing than facing the camera.
2. Be careful in what you wish for, because life is full of surprises. Indeed.
3. You'll worry more of time as you get old, not because your day counts, but because your things to do adds up until you cannot count them at all.
4. Next week is a sooo busy week.
5. Mature people can act immaturely when they become driven by emotions.
6. I need to add my list of 25 things to experience before I die (because I have not reached 25 yet).
7. Any food will smell good if you are deprived of food for 7 days.
8. I can survive 7 days of prayer and fasting.
9. I'm turning 19 soon.
10. That awkward moment when your supposed to be embarrassing moment did not happen, and you told a lot of people that it will be embarrassing.

12122011

435. Make a list of twenty-five things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet and refer to it often.
-H. Jackson Brown, Jr. (Life's Little instruction Book)
*I'm gonna make one soon. ;)

11272011

Let go of something you still hold on to.

Last Friday, our VG had talked about money and finances; then all of a sudden our discussion ended up in this thought above. That "something" someone thought to be strong enough to but not allowing him to move farther. That "something" that requires faith in order to have guts to let go of it... of that "something."

I am one of those people who tolerates rather than someone who confronts and overcomes things. RESILIENT. For a long time I was that one who strives to survive with that big giant living in me. That giant that I mistakenly hold on to.

If there is something that I have to let go of, it will be my fear. Upon entering the university, there is that fear that came in to my life. Life as an undergrad student showed me a lot of things, including the reality about this cruel world. And a single fear will can attract more fears. There is this fear of what will be my future, then fear of getting a grade of 5, fear of rejection, and fear of being inferior. Indeed, I am a perfectly imperfect being, and even if I post a lot of good things about this blog, you can still find holes in me.

Letting go of fear requires faith. Faith may sound "silly" to others, but isn't it sillier to hold on to my fear? You might probably think, "Pinapaasa mo lang ang sarili mo." There is this saying that faith can move mountains; but sometimes we need faith not to move mountains, but to climb over mountains. It requires action. There will not always have an easy way; but at least, with faith, there is a hard way that we can find and walk on to. In my case, I have to do that hard way of letting go of my fear. I know I can.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

This verse never fails to comfort me. As I walk to a journey called life, I saw from afar a bend in the road. What is beyond that bend? I don't know, actually. All I know for sure is that it is better that what I have ever imagined... or I must say, the best plan that God made for me. :)

11282011 (microblog)

The bracelet. As I was wearing it this morning, I suddenly felt sad. My first sembreak without them.

I miss FC. If there is something that I treasure in my high school memories, it will be my moments with them. My best circle of friends. We used to meet every time we have some free weeks of vacation during college breaks. This is my second time that I will not be with them; but this time, I do not know why I am feeling much sadder. E is longing to see them.

I wanna go home na... T.T