Nostalgia

Can I modify my past for a while?

Of course no human being can struggle against the waves of time; and all I can do with that memory is to laugh at it.

...at least there is something to laugh at.

I recovered a draft of my old poem at the back of an old high school notebook. I already forgot the title of this. As I was reading the lines, I feel like I want to say "Craaappp...". In reality, I was not able to say anything; only made me smile. Am I really writing this way years back? The good thing is that the other poems are now gone.

To share my young thoughts (or more appropriate to say as my something-to-laugh-at memory), here it is:

For the spark that I saw in the midst of darkness;

For the wave that was moved by the wind of sweetness;

For the star that I wished to achieve from the sky;

For the rain that fell gently from the mildest high;

For the chance that was once with me but lost in the end;

For the bear that gave comfort but went out from my hand.

Shall I finish each statement with a single dot

Or add up another two to say, "Thanks a lot?"

...and I am sorry giving a tangle in your thread

'Cause I can't simply say what's running in my head.

Now that I have lost the small piece that I have hoped for

Will it be back to me in the time of my honor?

I hope that this will be the last time that I'll close my eyes,

For I don't want to be fooled again by thise sweetest lies.

*So yun na. (Sounds so emo-ish.)There is a time written below the poem: 7:30pm. I can't remember the date. This poem had a different fate among the others that were burned. I decided to keep it... for fun. :)

****

Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure. -Jane Austen

Pasted from <http://twitter.com/#!/elaineloreen>

08012011 (microblog)

microblog... pangtwitter? mas feel ko magpost ng short blogs dito. at least walang limit ng characters. (at ang vague ng definition ko ng micro. :D)

This is my year of growing up and judgments. And going to the next level of challenges and promotions means you need to feel the pain of suffering and fear as you get out of your box. It is hard indeed; but after this, I think I'll have something to be proud of.

07282011 (microblog)

I recovered a draft of an old poem in an old high school notebook last summer. :)

I kept it to have something to laugh at when I grow old.

And lately I realized one thing from it: when you are writing at the height of your emotions, expect the weirdest outcomes.

07122011

procrastinate.

^one of the latest words that I learned.

^the word that fits me now.

I feel guilty because I am not doing anything productive for weeks since the start my junior year. Next week will be the start of a hell week. Finally, I'll be able to experience how it feels to become a real junior.

Next, the product of procrastination comes in: cramming.

Two more years to do my very best... I hope that I'll have my paradigm shift this time.

oo, paradigm shift. hahaha.

I'll try to fill this blog with posts again. :)

speech

These words were written the upper portion of my 3" x 5" index card. For a person who hates to speak in public, that was a memorable 3 minutes and 58 seconds of her life.

It all happened last Friday. My first ever impromptu speech. I was able to speak in front of my classmates as I stood on a platform. If this was not a requirement in CommIII, I would not dare to have a speech.

After my instructor had called my name to be the next speaker, I felt how my heart beats fast. It's time. Pick a topic.

Political dynasties in the Philippines. With my index card and pencil on hand, I began writing anything related to that. Writing in an impulse. I was not able to listen to the person ahead of me. Write, write, write... It only took her 3 minutes to speak in front; but I was still not finished writing keywords about the things that I should impart on my speech. I faced the public partially unprepared.

It took a minute of my speech before my nervousness calmed down. My hands were shaking and I spoke with a lot of verbal fillers during that minute. (My most common verbal filler is "uhmm...") The good thing is, I was able to recover my composure after the first dreadful minute. Then, all thoughts written on my notes are used up, so I began speaking anything that comes out of my mind. (That is better than discussing what I have written. My real self speaks out without any pretension.) I was not looking at my index card at all. I was able to introduce and conclude the speech in an acceptable way.

Once you speak in front, you'll forget some the things you learned, as well as the ideas that you should have imparted to the audience. You will forget some things or even everything when you are nervous. After my speech, I realized that I skipped some thoughts that I prepared and wrote on my index card. At least my mind did not go blank.

04262011

basically, actually, such, by the way, just

-verbal fillers. Naalala ko lang ang sinabi ng CommIII teacher namin. Do not use the word basically if you will not explain your thoughts in a simple manner. Can I deliver my first ever impromptu speech on Monday or Tuesday? I hope so.

Two exams tomorrow (uhmm... I mean today). Yehey. I must love plants, kahit mahirap. It is really hard to study for an exam especially during the times when your brain cannot absorb data anymore... just like now.

wake up, you're dreaming...

Have you experienced knowing that you are dreaming while still in a dream?

It happened to me several times, and the last one happened last Tuesday morning. I want to end up my dreams, particularly the bad ones.

I feel that I am not moving the way I used to be. Then somewhere in the middle, I will realize that I am not in my world. I try to move, but I can control myself hardly. There were times that I can, then I will try to activate my senses by to bite myself or pinch myself; but none of them works, since I am still inside my dream. I am not feeling any pain. The good thing about that is that it gives me a stronger proof that I am dreaming. The only thing that wakes me up is by commanding myself in my mind to wake up. "Wake up, wake up, wake up..."

Not all attempts to wake myself up are successful. Sometimes I am able open my eyes, but later I will realize that I just shifted to another world -- in another dream. I will struggle to do the same things over and over again, until I am really awake and conscious in the real world.

My last dream ended at around 1 or 2am. The good thing is that I am not speaking anything (in the real world) while I am dreaming... Well, no one reported to me the morning after that I was speaking while deep asleep at that time of my dream. :)